Vondie's Relationship Blog

How to Meet Someone You’d Like to Date!

Just a quick reminder, Andy Whaling will be joining us this Saturday at the Village Book Shop!

If you haven’t heard me mention Andy - he was the director of Sunday Night Singles in Pasadena for 10 years. And I attended his singles group. I learned how to pay attention to red flags so I could avoid the “sharks and players.”  I also learned how to date so I could find someone good. And it worked. I’m no longer single and I did find someone really good!

So, I hope you’ll join us for this very special event. And feel free to invite any friends who might be interested. Register by March 4th for the early bird discount. Or you can just pay at the door. For more information, just click here.

I can’t wait to see you there!

Vondie

How to Meet Someone You'd Like to Date!
(Special Guest Speaker, Andy Whaling)
Saturday, March 6th
3:00 - 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora
($10 before March 4th, $15 at the door)
To register, just click here.
For more information, just click here.

Every individual and situation is different. The information presented here is general and educational. It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation. There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or services offered.

How to Meet Someone You’d Like to Date! Special Guest Speaker – Andy Whaling, MFT, Saturday, March 6th

You’ve all heard me talk about Andy Whaling and his relationship tips...everything from - how to avoid sharks and players, to -- first date guidelines, to -- how to avoid serial monogamy! So, to celebrate our one year anniversary at the Village Book Shop, Andy will be joining us as our special guest speaker, Saturday, March 6th!

As many of you know, I attended Andy’s group, when I was single. I was already a therapist. And I had done a lot of work on myself. But, at Andy’s group, I really learned the “nuts and bolts" of dating. He gave concrete suggestions that helped us screen out the “sharks and players" so we could find the other good singles out there.

And it worked! I finally found somebody good.  :)

And I know that’s what you want and deserve, too!

So, I hope you’ll join us for this very special event. (I do think this will be a packed house and seating is limited.  So register early to reserve your seat!)

I also wanted to let you know, we will be meeting twice a month this spring. I know it’s hard to give up too many Saturdays. And I thought it might be nice to have a place to get together on Friday evenings. So, we’ll be meeting the 1st and 3rd Fridays of the month at 7:30 p.m.

Our first Friday event will be March 19th! And to celebrate our new day and time, we will be bringing back the 2-for-1 special (for this event only :).  Register yourself and bring a friend for free! And we have a great topic for that night -- Internet Dating: How to Make it Work For You! (Bring your profile, if you have one. And if there’s time, we’ll give you some feedback on it.)

So, I hope to see you at our very special event with Andy and then on our new night to talk about Internet Dating.

I can’t wait to see you soon!

Vondie

How to Meet Someone You'd Like to Date!
(Special Guest Speaker, Andy Whaling)
Saturday, March 6th
3:00 - 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora
($10 before March 4th, $15 at the door)
To register, just click here.
For more information, just click here.

Internet Dating: How to Make it Work for You!
*Friday, March 19th (*new day and time!)
7:30 - 9:00 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora
($10 before March 17th, $15 at the door)
To register (2-for the price of 1!) just click here.
For more information, just click here.

Every individual and situation is different. The information presented here is general and educational. It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation. There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or services offered.

What Men Really Want! What Women Really Want! And Much Much More for 2010!

I hope your new year is off to a good start. I have to admit, I'm glad the holidays are over and I'm ready to get back to "real life." And one of the things I'm most excited about getting back to is our Relationship Talks/Singles Seminars. They've really become a place to get together with others who want to find someone good. And we've got some new ideas for Spring (see below).

Feb. 6th, What Men Really Want! What Women Really Want!
(Question & Answer)

For our Valentines Talk, you'll have a chance to ask all those things you've always wanted to know about the opposite sex! And the men (or women) in the group will answer. I think this Seminar will be A LOT OF FUN!  :)  (Register early to reserve your seat!)

March 6th How to Meet Someone You'd Like to Date!
***Special Guest Speaker*** Andy Whaling

In March, we're having our very special event. Andy Whaling, former director of Sunday Night Singles will be joining us. I attended Andy's group when I was single and it completely changed the way I dated (which is one reason, I'm no longer single!). I'm so excited that he'll be joining us to share his dating expertise! (I think this will be a packed house and seating is limited. So register early to reserve your seat!)

This Spring, We'll be Meeting More Often!
(Friday Evenings)

I've loved this last year of talks at the Village Book Shop. It's been great to spend time with you and to get to know you better. And I've heard recently that some of you would like to get together more often so you can get to know each other better, too!

So, we're working on it for this Spring! I know it's hard to take a chunk out of Saturdays more than once a month. And I'm thinking it might be nice to have a place to get together at the end of the week. So, we're thinking about Friday Nights at 7:30 p.m. (weekly or 1st and 3rd Fridays) I'd love to get your feedback on this. You can leave a comment here and/or see what others are saying. (Just scroll down to Comments at the bottom of this post.)

I can't wait to see what this year brings!

Love to you,

Vondie :)

What Men Really Want! What Women Really Want!
Saturday, February 6th
3:00 - 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora
($10 before February 4th, $15 at the door)
To register, just click here.
For more information, just click here.

How to Meet Someone You'd Like to Date!
(Special Guest Speaker, Andy Whaling)
Saturday, March 6th
3:00 - 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora
($10 before March 4th, $15 at the door)
To register, just click here.
For more information, just click here.

Every individual and situation is different. The information presented here is general and educational. It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation. There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or services offered.

How to Let Go of the Past So You Can Get Started On Your Future!

I hope you had a really nice Christmas. 

But, as you approach the New Year, it’s normal to reflect on the past year, where you are now, and where you’d like to be...

I know many of you would like someone good to share your life with.  But, sometimes you can feel like your past relationships and fears of making the same mistakes are holding you back.

That’s why in January we’ll be talking about how to let go of the past, so you can get a fresh start in the New Year!

This Singles Seminar will be interactive.  You’ll actually be cutting out pictures from magazines to symbolize the things you’d like to let go of. 

You can also cut out pictures to represent what you’d like to have in your life or in a relationship.  Please let us know early if you’re planning to attend, so we’ll have plenty of supplies for everyone.

I can’t wait to see you. 

And I do wish you a bright and happy new year!

Vondie

How to Let Go of the Past, So You Can Get Started on Your Future!

Saturday, January 9th

3:00 - 4:30 p.m.

Village Book Shop

123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora

($5 before January 7th, $10 at the door)

To register, just click here. 

For more information, just click here. 

FYI -- Mark your calendars for our upcoming Singles Seminars:

February 6^th – What Men Really Want/What Women Really Want!

March 6^th – How to Meet Someone You’d like to Date (Guest Speaker:  Andy Whaling, former director of Sunday Night Singles!)

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

You Can Get Through the Holidays, Even If You’re Single!

We know the holidays are stressful for everyone.  And I don’t want to discount those of you who are in a relationship, especially if you’re struggling. 

But, this month I’d like to focus on singles. Because if you’re single or newly divorced, the holidays can be especially tricky.   It can feel like everyone else has someone to be with or some place to go.  But, if you’re single, it’s easy to feel like you don't really belong anywhere.  Even if you spend the holidays with friends or family, you can still feel like a 5th wheel.   

And that can be hard.

So what can you do about it?

There are all the “wrong” things you can do.  Like getting involved with someone who’s not really right for you.  Or getting too close to someone you’ve just started seeing.  You might feel better in the moment.  But, there’s a good chance you’ll feel worse after. 

You can an end up with an “emotional hangover” which is way worse than a physical one. 

So what might really help?

*  Sometimes success is just surviving.   I know this sounds very Grinch-like.  But, it’s important to acknowledge that the holidays can be hard at times.  And if you just make it through, without making things worse, that’s a success.

*  Make the most of those holiday get togethers!  This can be a great time to practice smiling and meeting people that you could potentially date.  And if you're around people who are in good relationships, it's okay to let them know you're open to being set-up.

I know -- it's really hard to keep putting yourself out there. 

But, instead of just surviving the holidays...maybe this could be an opportunity to meet people who might be right for you! 

So, next year the holidays might be even better...  

If you’d like to talk about this with other singles, join us for:

How to Date During the Holidays!
Saturday, December 5th
3:00 - 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora
($5 before December 3rd, $10 at the door)

To register, just click here. 

For more information, just click here.

I'd love to hear what you think about dating during the holidays.  If you'd like to join our online discussion, just click on Comments below.  

And I hope you have a great Thanksgiving,

Lots of love, 

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional tthat is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or services offered. 

2-for-1 Holiday Seminar! (and future opportunities)

First of all, I want to acknowledge those of you who aren't local and can't attend these events.  Or maybe they're just not what you're needing right now.  I'm working on some projects/products that will be available wherever you are.  I'll keep you posted.  So STAY TUNED.  :)

But, regarding the Holiday Seminar.  I'm hearing that many of you are interested.  But I KNOW money is tight for everyone right now. 

But, I'd still REALLY LIKE to meet with you for the Holiday Seminar.  I'd like it to be a place where we can talk about relationships and get through the holidays together.   

So, I thought -- why not do what we do at the monthly Relationship Talks and offer a 2-for-1 rate?  Then we'll get more people, which is always fun.   And hopefully, anyone who wants to attend, will be able to.  And we'll get to have our Holiday Seminar!

So, if you'd like to attend the 6-week Holiday Seminar, but money has been holding you back, I hope this helps. 

Here's how it works, to take advantage of the 2-for-1 rate:  You and a friend decide to both attend the Holiday Seminar.  When you register for the Seminar, one of you pays and then you split the cost.  Also make sure to include the second person's registration information in the box provided. 

I hope this works...

Because I really would like to get through the holidays together!

Take Good Care,

Vondie :)

Don't Go Through the Holidays Alone!
Thursdays, November 5, 12, 19; December 3, 10, 17
7:00 - 8:30 p.m.
Glendora Friends Church
827 S. Lone Hill Ave., Glendora, CA  91740
($120 by October 30th, $140 after)
To register, click here

cancellation policy

www.VondieCounseling.com
www.VondieBlog.com

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or services offered.

Did you know...Your family affects who you choose and how you get along!

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I thought this might be a good time to talk about our families.  We all know that they affect us.  But, sometimes, we don't realize how much. 

And I'm not just talking about how your actual family affects you today.  Though thanksgiving and holidays do tend to bring all that family stuff up. 

What I'm really talking about is how growing up in your family affects you and your relationships ... who you choose and how you get along. 

It can be simple things, like:

• Maybe you were the oldest responsible one.  And you find yourself picking people that you have to take care of. 

• Or maybe you were the youngest.  And you still feel like you have to answer to everyone else, instead of doing what feels right to you. 

• Or maybe people in your family were really close and in everyone's business.  So, you tend to like guys who give you some space.  But, then sometimes you wish they were closer.  

• Or maybe people in your family sort of kept to themselves.  So, you're not sure how to get close to someone.  And you don't want to get hurt.

You get the picture.  It's tricky.  Whether someone's like your family or the exact opposite.  It can still bring up your family stuff. 

The key is learning what that stuff is.  Then you get to decide who you want to be in a relationship and what kind of relationship you really want. 

And then when your family stuff comes up (which it will, even in a good relationship), you'll at least know why you're so upset.  And that will help you get through things better.   

And I do hope you enjoy the upcoming holidays with your family. 

Lots of love,

Vondie :)

ps.

I hope you'll join us to talk about:

How your family affects you and your relationships

Saturday, November 7th
3:00 - 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora
($10 at the door)

For more information,  just click here. 

And don't forget our 6-week Holiday Seminar:

Don't go through the holidays alone!

Thursdays, November 5, 12, 19; December 3, 10, 17
7:00 - 8:30 p.m.
Glendora Friends Church
827 S. Lone Hill Ave., Glendora, CA  91740
($120 by October 30th, $140 after)

For more information,  just click here.

Or to register, click here

cancellation policy

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Back by popular demand! Are you an Introvert or an Extrovert? And what does that mean for your relationship(s)?

I wasn't planning to do this talk again until next year.  But, I've had so many requests, that I've decided to do it twice a year.  So, if you missed it last time, this is your chance! 

On October 3rd, we'll be talking about how your personality style affects your relationship and your relationship choices, such as:  

• Do you need more time alone or more time with lots of people?
• Is it better for you to trust your "gut" or would you rather way "pros and cons"?
• Are you more of a "heart" person or a "head" person?
• Do you like to plan ahead and be organized? Or would you rather be spontaneous and flexible?

I know these all sound like random things.  But, when you put it all together, it can tell you a lot about yourself and your relationships. 

We'll also talk about who you might be attracted to and who would be a good fit for you. 

And for those of you in a relationship, we'll look at -- why the things you initially loved about your partner might be driving you crazy now! 
 
I have to admit, this is a really fun Talk.  Plus, you can bring your partner or friends and learn more about them.   :)

Hope to see you there!

October 3rd
3:00 - 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora
($10 at the door)

For more information,  just click here. 

Take Good Care,

Vondie

http://www.vondiecounseling.com/
  
Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Dating: Why it's so important for Singles and Couples

I hope you're enjoying your last couple weeks of summer.  My boyfriend and I just got back from vacation and we had a great time!  (Which hasn't always been the case.  Sometimes our vacations have been a bit "stressful."  Scroll down to September '07 post for more on this.  :) 

Anyway, as we've been together longer and know each other better, our vacations are also getting better.  And part of what we did differently on this trip was make an extra effort to make "entertainment" or fun more of a priority.  We took a couple boat tours and even saw a whale up close!  It was awesome. 

A last month's Relationship Talk, we discussed how important it is to date "differently" than you have in the past, if you want to find someone different than you've found in the past!

And we'll be talking more about New Ways of Dating that will Help you Find the Guy you Really Want at our September 12th Talk.  

But, it also got me thinking about how dating isn't just for singles.  It's easy for couples to stop "dating" or doing anything fun, once you settle into a routine together.  When that happens, you can start to feel more like roommates than a couple.    

So, we'll also be talking about How "Dating" Your Partner can Keep your Love Fresh and Alive!

So, whether you're single or part of a couple, I'd love to hear from you.  You can leave a comment here or you can join us at the Village Book Shop, September 12th, 3:00 - 4:30 p.m. (123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora), $10 at the door.  And if you're bringing a friend or partner, don't forget your 2-for-1 coupon.  Just click here for more information.

I can't wait to hear from you and/or see you soon!

Vondie :)

p.s.

Back by popular demand!  We'll be discussing How Your Personality Style Affects Your Relationships at our October 3rd Talk. This workshop uses the Keirsey-Bates/Myers-Briggs to help you understand yourself and your relationships.  And, it's really fun!

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Why Passion is Even Better than Chemistry

It was great to get to talk about Sex at our last Relationship Talk!

And next month we'll be talking about Why Passion is Even Better than Chemistry!  

If you're single and you'd like to have a better relationship than you've had in the past, this talk is for you.  If you're in a relationship and your partner drives you crazy at times and you want to know why, this talk is for you. 

We find people attractive for all kinds of reasons.  But, most of the time, chemistry is based on stuff we're not even aware of. 

We're most attracted to what we know.  Or rather who we know.

It's like we have a template inside us that lights up when we find someone attractive.  It draws us in like a magnet.  And it says -- "Ahh, this is what I've been looking for."  "This is what I want."

This template is made up of all the relationships from our childhood and other important people in our lives. 

So, if you had good family relationships.  You'll most likely have chemistry with people who will treat you right.  Because you choose people based on your relationship template.  And good for you.  

The problem comes, when you've had less than great relationships in the past.  You may have chemistry with people who remind you of those past relationships. 

Even though you don't want to repeat those relationship patterns, your template still lights up when you come across people that fit that relationship template.   

Something about them may feel familiar or attractive.  And it's hard to choose someone that you don't feel attracted to.  (That's also why they drive us so crazy later on!  Because they're reminding us of someone from the past.)

But, the secret is -- you can have passion, without initial chemistry. 

And passion can be even better!  Because, it's based on a real relationship with your partner.  It's not chemistry, because they remind you of someone from the past.  And it's not going to wear off once you get to know them. 

If you'd like to understand your chemistry and relationship choices, this talk is for you.  

If you want to discover how to have passion that is even better than chemistry, this talk is for you.

I'd love to hear how you feel about chemistry and passion.  Just click here to share.    

And as always ... Remember to take good care of you,

Vondie,

p.s.  Join us Saturday, August 1st, to discuss Why Passion is Better than Chemistry, 3:00 - 4:30 p.m. at the Village Book Shop in Glendora.  $10 at the door.  For more information, just click here.

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Sex: Why it's So Important to Him and Why it Seems Less Important to Her

Sex is a mysterious and wonderful part of relationships.  It’s the glue that bonds us, like nothing else.  But, why is it so important to men?  And why does it seem less important to women?
 
The truth is -- sex is very important to women.  When women become physically involved, they become emotionally attached.  That’s why it’s important for women to not jump in too quickly.  Because once she’s physically intimate with someone, she becomes attached, whether she wants to or not. 

That’s also why, it takes more for women to get “in the mood.”  It’s nature’s way of slowing her down.  But, it can make things more complex for couples with busy, stressful lives.  For her to want sex, she needs to feel close and connected.  She can’t be tired or upset.  And she needs lots of cuddling and kissing first. 

It’s also harder for her to stay “in the mood.”  She can easily be distracted by noises, or worries, or if she just has a lot on her mind.  With so much that can go wrong, the key for her is quality not quantity.  She doesn’t need more sex, she needs good sex. 

And men are different.  For him, more is usually better.  It’s not that he wants bad sex.  It’s just that it doesn’t take as much for him to get or stay “in the mood.”  So, sex is usually good for him.  Plus, sex is often when he feels closest to her.  So for him, what’s not to like about sex?
 
We really are very different , when it comes to sex.  But the good news is -- if a couple can embrace their differences, sex will be better for her.  When sex is better for her, she becomes more interested in sex.  Then, chances are -- there will be more sex, which is better for him.  So everyone is happy! 

So, remember to take good care of yourself and each other, 

Vondie

p.s.
We'll be talking about your Sex:  Why it's So Important to Him and Why it Seems Less Important to Her at our next Relationship Talk, Saturday, July 11th, 3:00 - 4:30 p.m. at the Village Book Shop in Glendora.  For more information, just click here.

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

What is Your Closeness Comfort Zone?

Why do they pull away, when you get too close?  Or maybe you're the one who need space, at times.

We all want to be loved.  But, we each have different comfort zones for how much closeness feels good.    

So, how do you balance that out in your relationship?

• There will always be times when your partner can't be there for you.  That's why it's good to have friends and others to turn to.  You'll get some of your needs met.  And you’ll be less likely to overwhelm your partner, when they're ready to reconnect.  

• If you're the one needing space, remind your partner that you care.  But, let them know, you just need a little time to yourself.  Then when you're ready, you can reach out and reconnect.  But, it's really important to take time for yourself when you need it.  Or, you're likely to shut down in the relationship. 

You're never going to be in sync at all times.  But, if you can give each other breathing room when you need it, you'll reconnect faster. 

Some partners have very different closeness comfort zones, that's a different story.  But, most of the time, if you respect your different needs, you can find your way back to each other.  

Take good care of yourself and each other.  

Vondie

p.s.
We'll be talking about your Closeness Comfort Zoneat our next Relationship Talk, Saturday, June 6th, 3:00 - 4:30 p.m. at the Village Book Shop in Glendora.  For more information, just click here. 

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Are you an Introvert or an Extrovert? And what does that mean for your relationship?

I really enjoyed our recent talk at the Village Book Shop.  And I'm excited to let you know -- we'll be back on the 1st Saturday of every month!

During our last talk, we looked at differences between men and women; especially when it comes to dating, fighting and sex. 

On May 2nd, we'll be talking about how your personality style affects your relationship and your relationship choices, such as:  

• Do you need more time alone or more time with lots of people?
• Is it better for you to trust your "gut" or would you rather way "pros and cons"?
• Are you more of a "heart" person or a "head" person?
• Do you like to plan ahead and be organized? Or would you rather be spontaneous and flexible?

I know these all sound like random things.  But, when you put it all together, it can tell you a lot about yourself and your relationships. 

We'll also talk about who you might be attracted to and who would be a good fit for you. 

And for those of you in a relationship, we'll look at -- why the things you initially loved about your partner might be driving you crazy now! 
 
I have to admit, this is a really fun Talk.  Plus, you can bring your partner or friends and learn more about them.   :)

Hope to see you there!

Saturday, May 2nd
3:00 - 4:30 p.m.
Village Book Shop
123 N. Glendora Ave., Glendora
($10 at the door)

For more information,  just click here. 

Take Good Care,

Vondie

http://www.vondiecounseling.com/
  
Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

It's official... We'll be getting together to talk about how to "Get the Love You Really Want!"

 I'd love to have you join us next Saturday, March 28th to talk about:

• How to find the good guys and screen out the "players"       

• How to find common ground, even though men and women fight and love differently!

We can also talk about other topics that are important to you.

If you haven't already voted on what you'd like to discuss, it's not to late to take our web poll.  Just click here. 

You can also let me know how often you'd like to get together.

We'll be meeting at the Village Book Shop:

Saturday, March 28th
3:00 - 4:30 p.m.
($10 at the door)

Feel free to bring a friend, partner, coworker... or anyone else that might want a little relationship help. 

I can't wait to see you there!

Take Good Care,

Vondie :)

p.s.
I was interviewed last week by the Highlander Newspaper.  (It's the insert in the San Gabriel Valley Tribune about upcoming events in our area.)  The article's about our talk on March 28th.  It should be in this week's edition, which comes out Thursday, March 19th.  (I'm excited and a little nervous to see what it says.  :)

http://www.vondiecounseling.com/
 
copyright 2009

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Would you like to get together?

I didn't get a chance to do my Valentine's Talk this year, with everything that was happening with me personally.  But, now that life is returning to normal (my mom is doing better and the boyfriend isn't working so much), I've started thinking about getting together. 

I love getting your comments on the blog.  But, I was thinking... I'd love to actually see you and hear about your relationships in person.  

Our next Relationship Talk will be Saturday, March 28th. 

The cost is $10.00.  And we’ll meet from 3:00 to 4:30 p.m. at the Village Bookshop in Glendora (125 N. Glendora Ave.) 

We’ll be talking about – How to Get the Love You Really Want!

But, I wanted to check in with you and get your input. 

I'd like to know how often you’d like to get together and which topics, you'd be most interested in talking about, such as:

• how to find a good relationship (ie. first date topics, red flags)
• how to keep a good relationship
• communication differences between men and women
• sexual differences between men and women
• how to fight fair
• how to have closeness
• how to set boundaries
• personality differences (ie, thinker/feeler, organized/spontaneous)
• how our families-or-origin affect our relationship

If you'd like to give your input and and/or see what others want, just click here to vote.

I can't wait to hear from you and see you soon!

Take Good Care,

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

We Need To Be There For Each Other

I hope your new year is off to a good start.  Mine has been good, but not without it's challenges.

Last month my mom was in the hospital.  And this month, my boyfriend is working 12+ hours a day. 

We've each had a hard time in our own way.  And we don't have enough time together. 

I read A General Theory of Love over the holidays.  It's about the science of attachment/relationships.  They talk about how important our relationships are.   

When we feel like we miss our loved ones, it's because we really need them.  At a core level, they actually "regulate" us in important ways. 

Most of us know our loved ones affect our emotional health.  They provide care and comfort and reassurance when we need it.  And when we don't get those things, we really feel it. 

But, we may not realize that the impact goes even deeper.  They also help stabilize us physically.  So, when they're gone, we can lose sleep or even get sick.

And we need them even more, when we're under stress. 

That's why it's so important to: 

• Make time for each other.*  We can't develop and keep that bond if we don't have enough time to just be together.  That's how we stay tuned-in to each other.  That's how we know what's going on with the other person and what we each need. 
  

• Take care of each other (It's not 50-50.  It's 100-100.)*  That's why it can't be, "You do your share, and I'll do mine."  We both have to be "all-in."  Because sometimes, it's not even.  But over the long haul, if we take care of each other, we'll both be happier. 
  

A deep attachment relationship isn't a luxury.  It's essential, if we want to be healthy and happy.  And, it enables us to survive the rest of life's ups and downs. 

So, the best way to really take care of ourselves is -- to be there for each other and take care of each other.  

My boyfriend and I are doing our best with his long hours.  And, my mom is doing better, which is a big relief.  But, I'm really looking forward to things getting back to normal.  

I'd love to hear how you are "there for each other" and how that gets you through the ups and downs of life. 

Just click on comments, below.

Take Good Care of Each Other,

Vondie

*A General Theory of Love, by Lewis, Amini, & Lannon.  (Chapter 9, A Walk in the Shadows, "the dynamics of duos")

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Remember To Celebrate The Little Victories

As we approach the holidays and get ready for a new year, it's normal to think about where we are in our lives.  We look back at the past year and we think about the year ahead.   

But, sometimes, when we look back, it's easy to compare ourselves to other people.  We start thinking about our relationships and our lives compared to how we think theirs are.    

Or sometimes, we don't even compare ourselves to real people.  We compare ourselves to hallmark commercials or people we see on t.v. and we think their lives look better than ours. 

And we end up feeling bad about ourselves. 

But, I've love the saying that --"the only appropriate comparison is between where we are now and where we've come from."

We stop comparing our lives to what we think other people's lives are like.  And instead, we look at ourselves now, compared to where we were before. 

We all work so hard and expect so much of ourselves, it's easy to focus on what we'd like to change in ourselves and our lives.  And there's nothing wrong with that.  It's good to have goals and to work toward them. 

But, sometimes, it's good to remember how hard you try and to celebrate the little victories.  Like, maybe this year, you took some risks in your relationship: 

• Maybe you tried speaking up more

• Or maybe you listened more

• Or maybe you set some boundaries

• Or maybe you risked getting closer

Whatever you did differently to try to have a better relationship, that's a risk.  It's also a step toward having the kind of relationship and life you really want. 

So, as you get ready for the holidays and think about the year ahead, I hope you can give yourself some credit for who you are and where you are today.  Because you deserve it. 

And I do wish you a Very Merry Christmas and a Bright and Happy New Year.

Love & Blessings,

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

I'd love to come and share with you!

I love helping you discover how you can have the relationship you really want. 

I recently spoke to students at the University of La Verne about -- how our personality styles affect our relationships.

Some of the things we talked about were:

• How our different styles attract us to each other and then drive us crazy!
  

• Why it's important to have some things in common, especially values and how you look at the world

• Why relationships with too much chemistry might not work out
  

• What kind of relationship might be a good fit for you

• How to appreciate each other's differences

If you'd like me to come and share with your group, I'd love to do it! 

I'd be happy to visit your class, church/community group, or group of friends.  We could even do a "girls-night-out." 

Just call me at 626.215.2527 and we'll set it up.

Can't wait to hear from you and see you soon!

Take Good Care,

Vondie :)

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

How Do You Find Your Way Back To Each Other?

"You sort of stumble along and reconnect and lose each other and reconnect again." 

That's Felicity Huffman's response (Lynette from Desperate Housewives), when she was recently asked about her successful marriage.* 

And it's one of the best descriptions I've ever heard -- of a good relationship.

Being in a good relationship doesn't mean things are always great (that's Hollywood).  It doesn't mean things are dramatic and tumultuous (that's Hollywood, too).

It means -- sometimes you're close ... then you fight ... then you work things out ... then you're close again ... and then you start all over again.  

Hopefully there's more closeness than fighting.  And, when you're close, you remember how much you really love each other.  And, when you fight, you don't do or say things you can't take back. 

But, it can be reassuring to realize that it's okay to "stumble along" and "lose each other," as long as you find your way back to each other again.

So, how do you find your way back to each other?  Sometimes, it can help to try:

• Listening to what he's saying.  Even if you know you're right and he's wrong, try  putting yourself in his shoes.   Whatever he's upset about is really important to him.

• Not replaying how and why you feel wronged, over and over in your head.  That's only going to make things worse.*  (See Gottman's Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, for more on this.) 

• Taking time to cool off.  It helps you put things in perspective.  Then whatever you were fighting about becomes less important.  Plus, you start to miss each other.  

• Remembering, he's doing his best.  He may be having a bad day.  He may be under stress at work.  Sometimes, it helps to remember that things aren't always about us.

• Appreciating what he does do.  He might not do exactly what you want, when you want him to do it.  But, there may be other things he does for you, that you don't even think about.  It's important to remember he's trying and not take that for granted.  
  

Of course, this doesn't mean you let him treat you bad or blame you for things that aren't your fault.  And you do need to work though whatever you were fighting about, so it doesn't keep happening.  But, first, you have to get to the place where you want to reconnect, before you'll even be ready to try.

I'd love to hear how you find your way back to each other. 

Just click on Comments below. 

Take Good Care of You and Him,

Vondie

*To read more of the Felicity Huffman article, see the September issue of More.

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

It Takes A Village To Have A Good Relationship

Sometimes, I joke with my boyfriend and say, "I don't have friends anymore."

It's not exactly true.  But as we've gotten more serious, my focus has definitely shifted from friends, to him and our relationship. 

We spend most of our free time together.  And, we're also starting to have more of a couple's social life, where we're spending time with others, together. 

In Judith Wallerstein's book, The Good Marriage*, she found that people in good marriages weren't just close to each other, they were also connected to their communities. 

They had outside interests and friends, for themselves and as a couple.  In other words they didn't live in isolation.   

It's important to make your relationship a priority.  But, since no one person can ever meet all your needs (my boyfriend wants me to have more friends :), it's also important to have other people you can turn to. 

And not just for support.  It's good to have other people to have fun with, on your own and as a couple. 

I love to get your input.

So, how do you and your partner stay connected to the rest of the world, on your own, or as a couple?  Or do you? 

Just click on Comments (below) to share.  

Vondie

p.s. *To read more about this, check out Judith Wallerstein's book, The Good Marriage.  

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Why Do We Have To Fight?

Nobody likes to fight.  And it’s never feels good while it’s happening.  But, fighting can actually be good for your relationship.  Two different people are never gonna agree on everything.  So, if we never fight, something’s wrong. 

The problem isn’t that we fight, but how we fight*. 

Here are some tips to help you FIGHT FAIR. 

• Use “I” statements. “I feel…” “I need…” “I want…” Instead of “You make me so …”
  

• Stick to the topic at hand. Don't bring up last week, last month, last year. And try to avoid words like "always" and never." 

• Take a time out.  Give a time-out. When things get heated it's really important to take a break and cool off. This is especially important for men, who “flood” (feel angry and like they need to get away) more quickly than women*.
  

• Don't shut the other person out.  And remember to call a time-in to finish discussing the issue. Because when women feel shut out, that's when they "flood" (feel panicky and/or angry)*.

• Don't go below the belt.  Don't go for the jugular. You know your partner's sensitive spots more than anyone else. Don't say something in the heat of the moment, that you'll regret later.
  

• Know when to say "STOP."  Let the other person know when they've gone below the belt and that it's -- NOT OKAY.

If you need to talk about stuff from the past, or if you aren't able to fight fair, it might be time to ask a counselor for help.  

Remember, the goal is -- for both of you to get what you need, without damaging each other or the relationship. 

In fact, the real goal is to find ways to be happy together.  That's why fighting fair can actually bring you closer. 

So, take good care of yourself and your relationship. 

Vondie

p.s. *To read more about this, check out John Gottman's book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. 

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Finding A Good Relationship Doesn't Have To Be So Hard

I'm teaching the Young Adulthood: Love & Work  class at ULV this summer. 

And I can tell that some of the students are feeling like -- this whole relationship thing is just way too complicated. 

But, it doesn't have to be.

Some basic things to keep in mind are:

• Keep your eyes open-- to red flags; like lying, cheating, drinking, commitment issues (this includes keeping commitments to call you, get together, etc.)  
  
  
• Keep an open mind -- to guys who may not necessarily be your "type", but who may be worth a second look.  This means taking a chance on a good guy (and by good -- I mean nice, not icky, there's a difference.)
  
  
• Trust your gut -- if he makes you doubt yourself, or feel bad in any way, that's not good.  But, if you feel comfortable with him and enjoy being with him, that's very good.   
  
  
• Trust your close friends-- if you have friends who are in good relationships, ask them how they meet their guy and/or ask them to fix you up.  You can trust that they'll have your best interests at heart.  

Sometimes, we settle for less than we deserve, without even realizing it.  We think we're asking for too much.  Or that someone we'd really want, wouldn't want us. 

That's just because we don't realize how much we have to offer.  And we haven't experienced a good relationship, yet.  But, we can.  It just means we have to do things a little differently. 

Because, if we keep doing what we've always done in the past, we'll keep getting what we've always got. 

So, Remember To -- Take Good Care of You,

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

Sex And The City: Why can't they work on their relationships?

I saw Sex and the City yesterday. 

It was worth the $8.50 (I went to a matinee.)  But, I have to admit, I was a little disappointed.  It just seemed like the story lines were so simplistic. 

IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET, DON'T READ ANY FURTHER!!!

Charlotte and Harry are obviously happy, which is great.  (She chose a "good guy."  :)

Carrie and John (I didn't know Big had a name) struggle with his commitment issues.  They don't really get addressed, but at least they find a way to make it to the altar (eventually).

But, what really bothered me was the way they approach the other two relationships. 

After Steve's affair, Steve and Miranda's only options are to break-up or "move on without looking back."

And for Samantha and Smith, it's break-up or stay in a relationship that compares to "chemo."

The movie makes it clear that Steve and Miranda have deeper issues that led to the affair.  And Samantha and Smith are dealing with his long work hours and no sex life. 

Both couples have "issues" that need to be worked on, but the movie doesn't explore them.  So, Miranda chooses to "move on without looking back."  And Samantha leaves the relationship.

Samantha believes she's just not meant to be in a relationship.  When maybe, she's just not meant to be neglected, in a relationship. 

And Steve and Miranda don't really deal with any of the things that led to the affair.  So, what's gonna prevent them from having trouble in the future?

I know it's Hollywood.  And I know I think too much. 

But, YOU KNOW, I want to hear what you think...

Just click on Comments (below), to share your thoughts and feelings or to read others' Comments.

Can't wait to hear from you. 

Vondie

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.

What Do You Do, When You Hurt The One You Love?

I've been cooking for my boyfriend, because it's important to him.  But, it hasn't been without a bit of pain -- actual pain.  I don't always pay attention to what I'm doing, so sometimes I cut or burn myself.  But, it's usually not a big deal. 

Well, the other night, it was my boyfriend that got burned instead of me. 

He went to help me move an oven rack.  But, before he did, he asked if the oven was off.  I thought it was and said, "yes."  But, it wasn't.  He grabbed the rack with his hand and got burned -- badly. 

He actually felt it "sizzle."

IT WAS AWFUL.

After we had his hand in ice water and he was over the shock of it; the hard part was dealing with the fact that I had really hurt him. 

He let me "doctor" him and do other things to make him more comfortable (like fixing him a snack and letting him surf the T.V. channels at full volume :).

And, I really appreciated it, A LOT.  I felt so bad and helpless to make him feel better, that I was happy to do anything to make it up to him. 

And, even though he was hurting, he didn't make me suffer any more than I had to.  He let me make-up and make-it-up to him as much as I could.

And that's a good sign. None of us are perfect.  And sometimes we're gonna hurt each other, even when we don't mean to.  (That doesn't mean we ignore unacceptable behavior or we let someone hurt us repeatedly.) 

But, it's a sign of a good relationship, if your partner accepts your attempts to reconnect after there's been a "break" in the relationship*. 

In other words, they let you make-up, without torturing you about it. 

So, once again, I'd like to hear from you.

How do and your partner reconnect, after you hurt each other?

Just click on Comments (below), to share your story and read other's stories. 

Take Good Care of Yourself and Each Other,

Vondie

p.s.  *To read more about this, check out John Gottman's book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. 

p.p.s.  The next day he was fine. 

Every individual and situation is different.  The information presented here is general and educational.  It is intended for educational purposes only and is not intended to be, nor should it be considered to be a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health professional that is familiar with your particular situation.  There is also no guarantee being made as a result of information provided or counseling services offered.